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Monday, March 30, 2009

Peein' On A Jet Plane..Lalalalalaaaaa

I'm not much of a flier. I'm not scared of crashing, not scared of turbulence. I'm such a brave soul that I'm not even scared of eating the in flight meals. Ok, maybe a little scared of those. What really frightens me about flying is the possibility of having to go pee. I have good reason. Read on.

On the way to Little Rock to meet an ex b/f the first leg of the flight was to Memphis. Well, part way through the flight I realized I had to go pee reallyyyyy badly. I thought I could wait and tried for a while; finally realized it was a situation of go now or not look so great when I saw the b/f hehe. Went up to the front of the very teenie tiny plane and entered the restroom. It was approximately the size of a carrier for a large dog. One had the room to unzip, sit and that was about it. Men had a definite peeing advantage here. Being tall, my knees were shoved somewhere in the vicinity of my sinuses but I managed...

Well, I got up, managed to get re-zipped with only 14 lacerations, 12 bruises from knocking into the walls, 32 very colorful words and only one foot shoved down into the funny blue water.

I went to leave just as I heard the pilot announce "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are now making our descent into Memphis. Please make sure your seats and tray tables are in their upright positions and your seat belt is fastened." I was like ..."Oh SHIT, gotta get moving... if the plane is gonna crash on landing, I sure don't want it being ME that is in the headlines as "And one woman's body was found in the restroom, head stuck in the toilet; no one has been able to identify her yet as her face is an amazing shade of bright blue."

So I unlocked the door and turned the knob.... nothing happened. Thinking nothing of it except I must not have unlocked it all the way, I tried again... again nothing... by the third try, my sense of the ridiculous had gotten a hold of me and I was standing in this claustrophobic space snorting with laughter as I cussed a blue streak. I tried a few more times... unsuccessfully. I was now totally embarrassed knowing I was stuck in an airplane bathroom yet finding the whole situation totally hilarious.

Finally realizing the plane was soon to land with me still caught in the friggin loo, I knocked on the door. Nothing... Knocked again... still nothing. I had visions (which I don't think were too off actually) of the flight attendants standing on the other side, tittering and saying "why is there always ONE idiot who does this?" Finally, I banged loud enough to get a response. The door was unlocked from the other side by the 1 MALE flight attendant, who was literally biting his lip and smiling, obviously trying not to laugh. He said simply "you kept locking it back; the occupied sign kept going on and dinging." I started laughing again thinking "Oh great so the whole teenie tiny plane saw that; lovely."

I told him thank you as I laughed, aware that my face was so red as to feel flaming, and walked past him, past first class where a vast majority of the people sitting there were smiling openly. I just nodded, attempted to keep my dignity while at the same time trying to get a laugh (this IS me after all) and looked at them and saying "you might wanna stay out of the restroom; it's vicious; makes the shower scene in Psycho look like Disney and I'm pretty sure there is a hidden camera." I got my laugh.. I am quite sure that the passengers on that plane had a funny story to tell about the idiot lady and her continual re-beeping of the occupied sign on the restroom... lol. I of course have decided that any further trips I make by plane will be with a catheter....

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