I Watched My Heart Crumble Last Night

Last night, Jordan came to the realization, at the age of fifteen, that he is "different". There is little more heartbreaking for the parent of a special needs child than to see his face as he says, "Mom, I just want to DIE. I don't fit in anywhere and I'm different from everybody else.I want to be dead."

I wish he had stayed oblivious to his differences. I wish he knew that he DOES fit in; with us, his family and those others who care about him. But I know that at fifteen, for even the "normal" teen, that isn't enough, so how can that be enough for a child who struggles for every that we take for granted? Things like counting out change, buying a meal at McDonald's, walking into a crowded room, having a girlfriend.... hell, having a FRIEND, are things that he strives for on a daily basis. We however, think nothing of most of the above. We may periodically feel grateful for the abilities, gifts and friends, casual and otherwise, that we have, but we rarely contemplate what it must be like to not have them at all.

I have said before and know that I will probably have reason to say again, that every time some well meaning soul comes to me and gives me a pat on the back and tells me how hard it must be to raise a child like Jordan, how strong I must be, I will will continue to tell them that no matter how hard it is to raise a special needs child, how much harder must it be to BE one?

How must it hurt to finally have come to that point of knowing "Hey, I'm different. Not everyone has these problems, not everyone feels this way."?

How must it feel to know that the "cool girls", the "pretty girls", aka the so called "normal" girls will never give you the time of day, will never ask you out, will never be a part of your life in any way other than to smile politely or in some cases, as has happened to Jordan before, to play with your mind and act flirty just so that later they can go to their friends and laugh over how they messed around with the "retard"?

How must it feel to want to be so much... a scientist, an archaeologist , a computer programmer, even a cross country truck driver and know that chances are it won't happen because you can't even manage basic math that well, much less higher studies?

Last night, my son lashed out at me and at his stepfather. He did it because he knew of no other way to ease his own pain. I have no broken bones, no bruises. The only thing that broke last night was my heart.... and his.

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Health Care or 1984?

When you can no longer get a same day appointment with your childs pediatrician because his case load has increased 10x and appointments are booked three weeks in advance...

When that same doctor, who used to be so conscientious, now rushes through appointments because he has 45 people in his waiting room...

When you spend 17 hours in the ER waiting to get your screaming, in pain child seen for a simple ear infection because you couldn't get an appointment at that same pediatrician and everybody else had the same idea...

When that antibiotic they finally prescribe to that same child no longer costs 4 dollars at Wal Mart but is now 25 dollars...

When you watch your next door neighbor get evicted because they could no longer afford their rent because the premiums were too costly on the "free" government healthcare everyone has to pay for or get fined for not having...

When your 70 year old grandmother, who is still active, who has always worked and been a productive member of society is denied treatment for a recurring condition based on "quality of life standards" and age but your 30 year old unemployed living on welfare neighbor, an illegal immigrant, gets taken care of for the same thing...

When Euthanasia becomes a "viable option" because it saves money...

When your newborn, who could live many many happy years with medical care is denied it and allowed to die because of those same quality of life standards...

When abortion becomes an accepted form of birth control...

When the cost of everything from that coffee you're drinking to the electricity you made it with becomes more expensive as taxes are raised and then raised again to cover the price of this little bill...

When, in the coming years all of these things come to pass... tell me THEN that you like the new health care reform.

Saying that that can't happen in the good old US of A?? Go read up on socialized health care in Canada and Europe... the numbers and the statistics don't lie.

And beyond all of that, tell me... if they can push through a bill ignoring the Constitution in the process by making a "rule" saying it is legal, what next? What will they deem best for us.. for YOU... next? Where does the line get drawn before we say "enough!"?

Cheatin' Songs

I was happily listening to yahoo radio a while ago and a song came on that up until that moment I had liked. It's called Stay and the story in it is how the woman seeing a married man is begging him to stay when his wife calls. She talks about how she can love him better than his wife can. Ultimately she sings how she has realized that she deserves better than how he treats her and how next time he can "stay" with his wife because she herself has discovered some inner strength to let him go. The song leaves one with the idea that we are meant to admire her for this strength and applaud that she has let him leave.

When I heard the song this time, something struck me that never had before. When did this become ok? When did it become the norm that we are expected to sympathize with someone who willingly went into a relationship with someone they knew they had no right to be with?

I saw an interview about a year ago where the singer of the song admitted that the tears she shows in the video for the song were real because she had been in that situation so the song hit real emotions with her. The interviewer was completely sympathetic and talked only about how difficult that must have been.

Why was she not asked why she became involved with a married man in the first place? Why was she not asked how she thought this mans wife (and maybe children) felt knowing about her?

I understand that people cheat in relationships. Been there had that happen. In all honesty, as shamed as I am to admit it, though my ex and I hadn't lived together in many years, we were still legally married when Russell and I got together. So technically I too could be accused of cheating But I certainly expect no sympathy or kudos about that. I state it only in the name of honesty.

I don't know; maybe I am intolerant and utterly old fashioned. But I can't sympathize with many of the current ideas society says we should be upset about. Cheating is just one of them. I realize some people are in open relationships and while that's not for me, I don't put it in the same category as cheating because that is a choice they are making not something done TO them.

Is there a point to this note you may be asking? I have no idea. Maybe it's just me venting; maybe it is me shedding a written tear for what seems to me to be yet one more unraveled thread in the fabric of humanity. When we don't bat an eye at songs, movies, books, TV shows, what ever, that casually show cheating as the norm and seem to suggest we feel sympathy for the cheaters rather than the victims, I can't help but wonder how far society will go. What will we become inured to next?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPG1n1B0Ydw

Friendships

Why is it then when you disagree with a friends thoughts, that another (usually non-mutual) friend has to jump in and say something like "Well; you can always "unfriend" so and so if you don't like what they said!"?? Has real friendship grown so rare and so damn shallow that all it takes is a disagreement to end the supposed friendship? Have we become so technologically "advanced" that we are willing to dispose of people and relationships by pressing a button and then never think to look back; never wonder if we were wrong; never think we should have seen past the disagreements to what made us friends in the first place??

This is the same society that considers ones first marriage a "starter marriage" as if it is just a way to teach oneself about marriage; a stepping stone to "the real thing". What have we become as a people?

I have lost somewhere in the vicinity of ten to fifteen "friends" online. Why? Because I am a die hard Christian and because I can't stand our current president were the main reasons. Well, also because I didn't like the mother of a couple of them and how she lies and treats her kids but that's another story. But as for the other reasons, I had the nerve to stand up for my opinions on morality, on Obama and on God. THAT lost me friendships. God forbid that those people remember when they used to say how much they liked my humor and my style of writing and or/ even my personality.

It's too easy today to say goodbye. All it takes is the click of a mouse and you can forget you ever knew a person. It could be a person with whom you shared secrets and laughs, bonding over tears and memories. But that doesn't matter if they don't like what you say. You're just a click away from non-existence. Don't answer emails; delete delete delete. Simple huh? Shazam!! You never knew a person and owe them not even the smallest courtesy of a reason why. Am I the ONLY one who finds this horribly terribly sad?

I refuse to watch my words. Of course, I will employ politeness and tact but I won't say "oh yeah, I agree with you" if I don't. Even if it means losing your friendship. Because as simplistic, cliched and trite as it may sound, if all it takes for me to lose you is to say that you're wrong, there was never really a friendship in the first place was there??