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Monday, March 16, 2009

How Women Take Baths 101

For all you men who have ever wondered how it goes, here's your chance for a peek into the private world of women.

1) Gather up candles, glass of wine, trashy book, bath oils and bubble bath, 12 dollar shampoo and conditioner, after conditioner conditioner, razor, peach scented shaving cream, body lotion and radio.

2)Plug radio in, find appropriate station.

3) Set up candles... look again, realize you don't like the way the light shines on your face and makes you look wrinkled and yellow and rearrange the candles to be more flattering. You never know if your mate is going to need to get into the bathroom.

4) Add bubble bath to the water then look at it in disgust when it barely foams. Stick your bare feet in the water and kick furiously creating scads of foam and a mess on the wall. Feel triumphant.

5) Realize that during the course of all this, you have finished the glass of wine. Go to get another then say to hell with it and just bring in the whole bottle. Wonder why your fiance looks at you funny as you pass by with it on your way to the bathroom.

6)Undress, look in the mirror and wonder why Mother Nature has to take its toll. You used to have such NICE boobs. Contemplate for a few minutes how you'd look after uplift surgery wearing a wonder bra. When you finish laughing and snorting wine through your nose, pour more wine and climb in the tub.

7) Get back out, dripping water, because you forgot your book and the box of chocolates.

8)Get in, open the book, laugh hysterically at the sex scenes knowing there is no woman alive who wouldn't kick a man in the balls if he tried any of that "he pulled her with rough forceful arms into his chest as her bosom heaved" crap.

9) Drop book in water when reaching for the nearly empty wine bottle and giggle for a few minutes over how well it floats... until it doesn't. Pull up the sopping mass of paper and ink and toss it towards the sink, laughing hysterically when it misses and splats on the mirror. Have more wine.

10)Get razor, look at it for a minute wondering if you're still safe to wield sharp objects. Decide you are. Lather on half a can of shaving cream after using it first to draw obscene pictures on the wall of the tub and to give yourself a Santa beard.

11) Get out of tub, swearing loudly as you wrap a hand towel around your bleeding leg. Grimace and try to smile when your boyfriend knocks on the door and asks what's wrong. Put a spin on it to where it is his fault you cut yourself.

12) Get back in tub after drinking more wine, this time for medicinal purposes. Wonder if your fiance snuck in and drank some because you know you didn't empty the bottle. Burp loudly and then giggle with your hand over your mouth as you hear your boyfriend laugh.

13) Finish shaving with no further incidents. Wash your hair, again using the foam for things it was never intended for, forgetting to rinse out the soap.

14)Drip candle wax over cooling water just to see it get hard. Giggle over the word hard being in your mind.

15) Get out of tub and walk out to fiance wrapped only in a towel and a smile. Wonder vaguely why the world is spinning so quickly and when your boyfriend became twins.

16)Wake up the next morning with no memory of your bath and wondering why your leg is wrapped with bloody tissue and your mirror has shredded book pages all over it. Look in said mirror and scream when you see that your hair is as stiff as a board and covered in what resembles dried snot.

17) Glare at your fiance, who is laughing so hard he is crying and go take a shower. You never did like baths anyway.