Friday, August 8, 2014
I found myself kissing him on that spot all parents know and love; right there, yes, there, right where his neck joins his shoulder.
"Why do you like to kiss me there, momma?"
I told him that was the "momma spot", the spot where all mommas kissed their babies, starting when they were all little and squishable and smelled like growing things and powder and love.
"Where's the daddy spot?"
Daddies get behind the ears. That's the daddy spot.
"What about little kids and little girls? Where do they get to kiss mommas and daddys?"
We're still working on his strangely ingrained idea that boys are little kids and girls are some otherworldly creatures who simply fall under the heading of "little girls" but never 'kids"
They get...hmmm... they get chins and cheekbones.
As I get a thousand cinnamon roll scented kisses on my face
Nope. Right here on the bony part of the cheek and right on the denty part of my chin. Has to be there. I think it's the law
"Oh. Ok. I don't wanna break the law.Then you'd have to get me out of jail and I might get in time out"
Dozens more kisses, these all in the 'right" spots.
I need to get up and get my tea. And I need to pee.
"No, momma, I want to just lay here and cuddle forever."
Arms and legs lock around my torso in a death grip
But what about when we need to go pee?
"Then you'll get up and I'll get up"
But what about when we're hungry?
"Then you'll get up and I'll get up."
What about when we feel like mushrooms growing in the dark and we need sunshine?
"Then you'll get up and I'll get up."
You do notice that that's a lot of getting up and not a lot of forever cuddling, don't you?
"I know momma, but let's do forever right now, ok?"
Yes, my darling baby boy. Let's do forever right now. Don't grow up. Stay this cuddly boy who still curls up into me with legs drawn up and hanging on so tightly that I have to think about drawing a breath. Stay this little boy who thinks I know everything and who thinks his daddy and brothers are the strongest, most amazing people on Earth. Stay this child who still smells of powder, growing things and love.
But I know you won't.
So for now, we'll just cuddle forever right now.
Monday, February 17, 2014
My sister has been gone almost 2 years. Rarely a day passes that she doesn't cross my mind, even though I know I'll see her again. My memories of her are so varied, so ever present.
Where are Carol S and Ed R? I spent many drunken nights laughing with them when my first husband was in basic training. I remember one Summer day at an outdoor concert with them, drinking beer and listening to blaring country music. I also remember hating Carol for a time because she slept with said ex.
Where is Ricky W? He made my life hell for a time and left my face, body and soul bruised. During those late night thoughts, I always imagine that he finally ended up in jail as someones "good friend". A kind thought from me? No. I forgave him long ago, but I'm still human. Same for the men who assaulted me in Cleveland Ohio many years ago.
Speaking of Ohio, where did Ralph end up? He once gave me a card into which he had written the entire lyrics to "La La means I Love You". He went to Case Western Reserve University and I remember how flattered I was because he was so damned handsome. But alas, I was living with an older drug dealer (I've had an...interesting... past) named Dave so I had to ignore handsome Ralph... and I have no idea where Dave ended up either. He was 11 years older than I and the personification of the word Hippie. To me, in my naiveté, he was so cool and oh so slightly dangerous. My memories with him lie in working on a street crew in Cleveland to help pay the bills (I guess small time dealing didn't pay well), him stealing my clothes one night when I was drunkenly passed out in a car and how one night when I was mad at him, I took 5 of his street strength 357 magnum speed pills and nearly killed myself. Nineteen is a pretty dumb age. Where did his friend Scott end up? Short, cute Korean guy who tried everything he could think of to get me to sleep with him. Did he ever go to school like he wanted to? Are either of them alive?
Jerry... Jerry killed himself. The memories of Vietnam were too much for him and he blew his brains out in a hotel room. I still think of him often. Who would he have become?
Gary Robert H. God, I loved that boy. He touched me and I felt electricity. He smiled and I went weak in the knees. Where is he now? Is he happy? Do I ever cross his mind?
Ellis K? My first love and the first man who taught me what it's like to be used. Does he look back too and regret the things he did?
Faces. Names. Memories. They swirl through my brain like a blizzard gone wild. Is this what aging is? Is this why you see the elderly with a vacant smile on their lips and a tear in their eye? It's so easy to get lost in the memories, so easy to get lost in the "what if's". What if I had been nicer to that person, what if I had not gone through that empty parking lot that night in Cleveland, what if I had not had that drink, what if I had said yes to that question and no to that one... what if.
But... I'm only 49. We're not supposed to be losing people we know yet, are we? Like I said to a friend tonight, isn't 50 the new 30? Aren't we supposed to have decades left to laugh, to love, to hurt, to cry, to...well...make more memories? Aren't we still those kids with scraped knees, those teens wearing bell bottoms and listening to REO Speedwagon? Those 20 somethings having babies and watching the world change around us? Those working class folks in their 30's wondering when our kids became young teens? Those men and women turning 40, dying the gray hairs and looking for wrinkles? When did our babies have babies and turn us into the grandparents?
Some of the faces are still here. Older, maybe fatter lol, definitely showing traces of age. But also showing wisdom in their eyes that wasn't there at 15, 19, 22. Definitely showing some weariness, signs that life hasn't always been easy. Also showing grace, laughter and more life than I think many of them expected they would have at this age when we were young.
My brother is still out there, still cracking bad jokes, making me pee my pants laughing with some of his texts. That whole pee the pants things.... yeah, blame aging there too :-p
My dearest friend Craig. Still out there. A little gray, a little wrinkled, but still plugging along and still very much a part of my life.
Cheryl... still out there. She drives me nuts with her penchant for airing family laundry , but you know what? She drove me nuts with that when we were kids too, she just didn't have the internet to do it on lol. She also has stayed one of the most loyal friends I have.
Tonight, when I go to bed, the memories will still be there. I'll especially think of Patti, the reason for this post. Barely 50 and died of an apparent heart attack a couple of days ago. She was anything but kind to me when we were kids. But we grew up. We became friends. She becomes a memory now... a what if... part of the nightly swirl. So I'll lay there. I'll toss and turn. I'll think. And I'll remember. Faces, names, memories. I'll remember. Always... I promise to remember. To keep them all alive.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Last night, Jordan came to the realization, at the age of fifteen, that he is "different". There is little more heartbreaking for the parent of a special needs child than to see his face as he says, "Mom, I just want to DIE. I don't fit in anywhere and I'm different from everybody else.I want to be dead."
I wish he had stayed oblivious to his differences. I wish he knew that he DOES fit in; with us, his family and those others who care about him. But I know that at fifteen, for even the "normal" teen, that isn't enough, so how can that be enough for a child who struggles for every that we take for granted? Things like counting out change, buying a meal at McDonald's, walking into a crowded room, having a girlfriend.... hell, having a FRIEND, are things that he strives for on a daily basis. We however, think nothing of most of the above. We may periodically feel grateful for the abilities, gifts and friends, casual and otherwise, that we have, but we rarely contemplate what it must be like to not have them at all.
I have said before and know that I will probably have reason to say again, that every time some well meaning soul comes to me and gives me a pat on the back and tells me how hard it must be to raise a child like Jordan, how strong I must be, I will will continue to tell them that no matter how hard it is to raise a special needs child, how much harder must it be to BE one?
How must it hurt to finally have come to that point of knowing "Hey, I'm different. Not everyone has these problems, not everyone feels this way."?
How must it feel to know that the "cool girls", the "pretty girls", aka the so called "normal" girls will never give you the time of day, will never ask you out, will never be a part of your life in any way other than to smile politely or in some cases, as has happened to Jordan before, to play with your mind and act flirty just so that later they can go to their friends and laugh over how they messed around with the "retard"?
How must it feel to want to be so much... a scientist, an archaeologist , a computer programmer, even a cross country truck driver and know that chances are it won't happen because you can't even manage basic math that well, much less higher studies?
Last night, my son lashed out at me and at his stepfather. He did it because he knew of no other way to ease his own pain. I have no broken bones, no bruises. The only thing that broke last night was my heart.... and his.
Monday, March 22, 2010
When that same doctor, who used to be so conscientious, now rushes through appointments because he has 45 people in his waiting room...
When you spend 17 hours in the ER waiting to get your screaming, in pain child seen for a simple ear infection because you couldn't get an appointment at that same pediatrician and everybody else had the same idea...
When that antibiotic they finally prescribe to that same child no longer costs 4 dollars at Wal Mart but is now 25 dollars...
When you watch your next door neighbor get evicted because they could no longer afford their rent because the premiums were too costly on the "free" government healthcare everyone has to pay for or get fined for not having...
When your 70 year old grandmother, who is still active, who has always worked and been a productive member of society is denied treatment for a recurring condition based on "quality of life standards" and age but your 30 year old unemployed living on welfare neighbor, an illegal immigrant, gets taken care of for the same thing...
When Euthanasia becomes a "viable option" because it saves money...
When your newborn, who could live many many happy years with medical care is denied it and allowed to die because of those same quality of life standards...
When abortion becomes an accepted form of birth control...
When the cost of everything from that coffee you're drinking to the electricity you made it with becomes more expensive as taxes are raised and then raised again to cover the price of this little bill...
When, in the coming years all of these things come to pass... tell me THEN that you like the new health care reform.
Saying that that can't happen in the good old US of A?? Go read up on socialized health care in Canada and Europe... the numbers and the statistics don't lie.
And beyond all of that, tell me... if they can push through a bill ignoring the Constitution in the process by making a "rule" saying it is legal, what next? What will they deem best for us.. for YOU... next? Where does the line get drawn before we say "enough!"?
Thursday, February 11, 2010
When I heard the song this time, something struck me that never had before. When did this become ok? When did it become the norm that we are expected to sympathize with someone who willingly went into a relationship with someone they knew they had no right to be with?
I saw an interview about a year ago where the singer of the song admitted that the tears she shows in the video for the song were real because she had been in that situation so the song hit real emotions with her. The interviewer was completely sympathetic and talked only about how difficult that must have been.
Why was she not asked why she became involved with a married man in the first place? Why was she not asked how she thought this mans wife (and maybe children) felt knowing about her?
I understand that people cheat in relationships. Been there had that happen. In all honesty, as shamed as I am to admit it, though my ex and I hadn't lived together in many years, we were still legally married when Russell and I got together. So technically I too could be accused of cheating But I certainly expect no sympathy or kudos about that. I state it only in the name of honesty.
I don't know; maybe I am intolerant and utterly old fashioned. But I can't sympathize with many of the current ideas society says we should be upset about. Cheating is just one of them. I realize some people are in open relationships and while that's not for me, I don't put it in the same category as cheating because that is a choice they are making not something done TO them.
Is there a point to this note you may be asking? I have no idea. Maybe it's just me venting; maybe it is me shedding a written tear for what seems to me to be yet one more unraveled thread in the fabric of humanity. When we don't bat an eye at songs, movies, books, TV shows, what ever, that casually show cheating as the norm and seem to suggest we feel sympathy for the cheaters rather than the victims, I can't help but wonder how far society will go. What will we become inured to next?
Monday, January 25, 2010
This is the same society that considers ones first marriage a "starter marriage" as if it is just a way to teach oneself about marriage; a stepping stone to "the real thing". What have we become as a people?
I have lost somewhere in the vicinity of ten to fifteen "friends" online. Why? Because I am a die hard Christian and because I can't stand our current president were the main reasons. Well, also because I didn't like the mother of a couple of them and how she lies and treats her kids but that's another story. But as for the other reasons, I had the nerve to stand up for my opinions on morality, on Obama and on God. THAT lost me friendships. God forbid that those people remember when they used to say how much they liked my humor and my style of writing and or/ even my personality.
It's too easy today to say goodbye. All it takes is the click of a mouse and you can forget you ever knew a person. It could be a person with whom you shared secrets and laughs, bonding over tears and memories. But that doesn't matter if they don't like what you say. You're just a click away from non-existence. Don't answer emails; delete delete delete. Simple huh? Shazam!! You never knew a person and owe them not even the smallest courtesy of a reason why. Am I the ONLY one who finds this horribly terribly sad?
I refuse to watch my words. Of course, I will employ politeness and tact but I won't say "oh yeah, I agree with you" if I don't. Even if it means losing your friendship. Because as simplistic, cliched and trite as it may sound, if all it takes for me to lose you is to say that you're wrong, there was never really a friendship in the first place was there??
Thursday, December 24, 2009
If I could have one gift for Christmas
It would be for peace of mind
They're out of stock at Wal Mart
So that makes it hard to find
I cant afford the bigger stores
They'd probably have a good supply
But if I have to use my Visa
Not sure I want to try
I looked it up on Ebay
Thought I'd find it there
But I guess no one is selling it
Cause they don't want to share
I tried to knit some in my spare time
But I made a tangled knot
It came out looking more like
Some road kill that was shot
So it looks like this is not my day
To wish on a Christmas star
So I guess I'll have to settle
For a stale Hershey bar
yes this is SUPPOSED to be silly and stupid :-P
Friday, August 28, 2009
They hated him. They hated what they thought he stood for and what they thought he had done. The cries of "baby killer" and murderer" tore at his heart. To have people think that he and his buddies were killers, that they killed just for the sake of it made him wonder where the spirit of the country had gone. He knew that his fathers war had been different. WWII soldiers had come home to cheers and people who thanked him for saving mom, apple pie and The American Dream. He, on the other hand, had come home to sneers, hatred and signs saying he was no better than a modern day Hitler.
So he went back. He went back to the swamps, to the mud, to the sweltering heat and to the people he now considered his. He went back to the women who treated him like a god as well as the ones who had bombs strapped to their chests as they took their own lives just so that they could kill soldiers like him.
He did this for two tours of Nam. By then the war was ending and they sent him stateside. But he no longer felt like he was at home. So he drank more. He took various drugs to help him forget. He had made it through over two years of Nam without a scratch physically. But the scars on his heart and his mind were irreparable. He no longer knew how to survive without somebody shooting at him. He tried to get help but no one would listen. He was just one more wounded soldier without a scar.
One day, he decided he had had enough. So in a small hotel room in Indiana, he took a gun and he put a bullet through his brain. He left behind one son and a handful of friends. He also left behind a note saying he was sorry. He asked everyone to forgive him but said that he could no longer handle the pictures in his head and the way the world treated him and others who had fought in what so many considered a losing battle. he also said something I have never forgotten. He asked that if this ever happened again that we remember that the soldiers were just doing their job and not to hate them for it.
Sometimes now I wonder... have we listened to him? Or are we repeating the sins of the past and hating the men and women who serve our country during a war that most of us hate?
Twenty Four years ago tomorrow Jerry killed himself. What legacy did he leave behind? What legacy did all the soldiers like him, who suffered for us, leave behind? Do YOU remember them? I do... every March and every time I hear about one more soldier dying. So next time you want to rant and rave over the war, please... can you remember Jerry for me? He was only 33 when he died.
So please keep in mind that as I write this, I do so with the utmost love. I just have some questions and some things I wanted to say. Some of it will be things you have probably heard 10 million times but I figure if anyone doesn't mind answering things over, it will be You. Some of this is serious stuff and some is just various things I've wondered about.
I have to start with this one. As I sit and drink my cup of Mocha Coffee with it's 30,000 calories per sip, I wonder why You decided to have food be the way it is. Couldn't You, in Your infinite wisdom, have made say, Cheetos, Chocolate cake, Twinkies and other tasty things be the ones that are good for us? Why does it have to be Liver? And Soybeans? And raw carrots? Would it have been so hard to make Liver bad for us? "No! Don't eat that liver! You'll get fat!" would be a wonderful thing to hear.
You know me Lord. You know the one thing I've wondered for almost 15 years now is a simple "Why"? Why is my boy like he is? Is he more special to you so You wanted to mark him? Is he disabled to teach something to me and others whose lives he has entered? But the thought just entered my head that Your son left this life with many marks on him. Maybe in a way, my son is blessed. He has been a blessing to me and many other people. But Lord you know I meant it when I said I would gladly go to You now if it would mean He could be normal. Just say when. I'll be there.
That boy who died in that crash, that drunk driver, those children who died at the hands of their parents, the woman killed by her ex husband... why God? Why? I know life can't be perfect but why do You take the innocent? Why must the weak and the defenseless be hurt? Please... when we meet, can You explain this one to me?
My sister is dying Lord. After two bouts with breast cancer, it has settled in her bones and is killing her. She is only 48 and will leave behind 8 children. She isn't perfect. She and I don't even have a relationship and she can't stand me but she is my sister and I love her. Why God? Why? If she dies, what purpose does it serve? She is one woman, no one important in the scheme of Your Creations. But she is important to people here. Can't you take her later?
I have to ask it. I know you've heard this one too but I'll ask anyway. Platypuses, God?? Ummm...why? Was it just to give us a giggle? They are adorable and all but certainly prove nothing other than you have one hell of a sense of humor. No offense with the hell part. On the subject of why did you make this creature, you know I'm wondering about mosquitoes. Yes yes I know other creatures eat them but they could enjoy a tasty dinner of gnats or fruit flies instead couldn't they?
God, I'm still waiting for You to tell me what You want from ME. You must have a plan for me, a way for me to touch the lives of others, to be of some use on this planet, this small corner of Your creations. I badly want to help people, to serve a purpose, to leave a footprint. So far I keep getting turned away from the places I thought might be where You were leading me. Please don't take too long ok Lord? I want to help... somewhere, someone, somehow.
If I could ask a favor, could you have an Angel who likes to play and read and likes Chocolate be the one who is in charge of those of my children who are up there? When I finally get to meet them again, I'd love knowing they had known of Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham" and "Where The Wild Things Are" as well as the joys of chocolate smeared hands. They didn't get to have that here.
Last but not least, thank you for the beautiful weather we've been having. My boys are loving it and Your world looks so fresh and clean. Thank You also for the people I love, this high calorie cup of coffee, the way I feel when I hear a bird sing or see the wind whispering through the branches of a tree on a Spring day. There are many more things I could name but somehow I think You know already. So thanks.
Oh yeah... before I forget. That thing with Your son? That was pretty damn cool of You. Thank you for that gift. I don't say it often enough but I appreciate it.
P.S.- You're gonna talk to Santa right? About the Godivas?
P.P.S.- Could you say hi to my dad for me? Maybe give him a hug? I miss him still. Every single day.
I believe in God & Creationism in addition to The Big Bang Theory & evolution. I don’t believe the two are mutually exclusive but that the first explains the second.
I believe that when God said we were made in His image, he simply meant as intelligent beings capable of rational thought and compassion. I also believe that He might have put sentient life on other planets that we may never find.
In saying that, I also believe in the egocentricity of the human race. Who are we to believe that we are the one & only or at least the first? Maybe when the Bible says "we" were made in His image, it was really referring to some being on planets light years and/or galaxies away and WE are the ones thought of as a lower species.
I believe Chocolate is better than Vanilla, but I also believe neither is as good as either Cherry Garcia or Baskin Robbins Winter White Chocolate. I believe chocolate CAN make you feel better, at least temporarily… until you get on the scale.
I believe real love of any kind can transcend all the laws of space & time if you are open to the possibility. I believe this because I have experienced being held by a person who was hundreds of miles away. That person also remembered it.
I believe forgiveness is sometimes easier said than done, but I also believe that if you don’t forgive, it becomes an open wound that festers & only poisons your own heart.
I believe that dreams can give you clues to what you need to do in your life & where you are headed. I also believe that this theory dies a quick death when confronted with the naked flying sort of dreams. THOSE are just weird.
I don’t believe Witches, Wiccans, Pagans, etc. etc. etc have green skin and large noses (well some might if they are ugly and hung over) but that they are your doctor, your bagger at the grocery store, your cousin whom you share many memories with or even your local journalist reporting on the world’s ills.
I believe that those who say their religion is the only correct one and if you don't believe it, you are damned (in whatever way their religion damns a person) prove my theory about the egocentricity of mankind.
I believe in alternative healing right along with Western medicine. I believe there is a plant to cure or at least treat any condition or diseases. I also believe we are killing most of them at a fast rate as our forests get cut down, thus killing ourselves ever so slowly.
I believe in the healing power of ones own mind, but not to the exclusion of getting help. I also believe those parents who watch their children die because they believe that if they wait God will heal them ought to be horsewhipped.
On the matter of another form of death, I don't believe in Capital Punishment because I don't believe that we have the right to make a judgment call like that, no matter how heinous the crime committed. That makes us no better than the criminal.
I believe that there are honest politicians, but sadly, I also believe power DOES corrupt and most people are eminently corruptible.
That said, I believe that the vast majority of people are inherently good with a few sick twisted minds turned evil thrown in for good measure to test the mettle of the rest of humanity throughout time.
I believe that a hot bath and a steaming cup of tea can make one feel better. Especially if you follow it up with the aforementioned chocolate.
I believe that children are instinctively the way we should all be but tend to forget when we reach an age where we learn that people are different & we learn to hate… don’t hit, if you’re nice to the others kids, they will be nice to you, share your belongings, and if someone is sad, give them a hug… it makes them feel better.
I believe that Racism is not dead; it has simply been given a nice media & governmental induced sweep under the rug because it is not politically correct right now. I also believe that someday in the future things will come to a very ugly head before we truly learn racial tolerance.
I also believe in Karma & know that sooner or later, it WILL catch up with all those sick twisted minds *cough...current administration...cough* him & they will learn what it is to fear. If not in this life, then in another.
I believe that Chicken Curry is the food of the Gods… along with a nice dessert of anything chocolate & highly caloric. I also believe anyone who doesn’t like Curried foods needs therapy, but I believe I may be being a bit harsh in that assessment.
I believe that the Natives of any developed country (translate… taken over by whites) are still, to this day, the most downtrodden forgotten races, be they American Indians or Aborigines or South African Blacks. They have the highest rates of poverty, illiteracy, preventable disease, death and suicide of any other races.
I believe in equal rights for women. I also believe that in our enlightened society, we still haven’t reached that point. Not when a woman only makes approximately 73 cents for every dollar a man makes for comparable work. That said I also believe most hard core feminists are lunatics (no offense to any hard core feminists reading this. I LIKE lunatics).
I believe I live in the best nation on Earth. I also believe that for too long, we haven’t acted like it. There are third world countries that take better care of their young & old, their disabled & their veterans than we do. With all the wealth and luxuries we have, we need to do more to shoulder the responsibility that entails and quit turning a blind eye thinking it is someone else is taking care of things.
I believe that anybody who can look at our world & see how meticulously it is all put together, how everything is worked out, or look at a gray sky while the sun tries to play peek a boo through the clouds or watch a baby smile up at them in innocent joy & still say that it was all just happenstance, all just a case of the right atom in the right place at the right time & that no higher power had a hand in it isn't seeing what i'm seeing but that's cool.
I believe that our friends can feel like family & we can love them as such & that family can sometimes not even be friends & we can react to them as we would a stranger on the streets. I also believe that when one finds a friend one truly cares for, you need to hold on with both hands because God alone knows when someone like that will come along again. This I also know from a losing experience that still hurts.
I believe that for every action there truly IS a reaction… I also believe in Fate & that fate has many different paths for each action, so the reaction we get depends on which road we follow.
I believe that a kiss from someone you love can make even a dark dreary cold day suddenly seem warm and bright. I know this one is true because I have experienced it.