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Monday, March 30, 2009

Pee Pee, Poop And Wee Wee

Let's see how many THOSE words draw in hehehe.

Today I am going to write about words. Or words that have been deluded into thinking they are words because they have vowels and consonants but that are really just...well... vowels and consonants. Being me, there is a good chance I may branch out into a rant on other things up to and including weird names for anatomical parts, why my nose runs when I'm cold and why we haven't outgrown the juvenile love of fart noises. In other words, a perfectly typical entry from me.

I am aware that the "word" ain't is considered an accepted part of the English language now. Personally, I am thinking about running for the presidency just so that I can pass a poo-load of laws concerning proper English and the use of the death penalty for saying something like "I don't gotta because I done ain't ___________" fill in the blanks there, most likely with very colorful swear words that promise to fulfill all of Micheal Jackson's sex fantasies with one of his Llamas.

What really gets me about the word ain't though is the penchant of some to misspell this ummm... simple homey word (there that didn't sound too offensive... we all know what I REALLY meant was "this stupid string of letters that makes you look like an idiot if you use it in real conversation" but there's no need to say that.

It is spelled a-i-n'-t NOT ai'nt. What the hell is an ai'nt?? The use of the apostrophe is to signify the missing letter in the word not (though nobody has ever figured out what an ai is).

Moving on to my next non word word. How 'bout y'all??? Now I admit that after 20 years in the south (sobs in memory of big cities and Yankee accents) I use the word y'all. It is useful and has a nice quaint sound. But again... SPELLING people SPELLING!!! It is a contraction of the words you all thus meaning that it is spelled y'all not ya'll. I ask again about this one; what the hell is an ll or a ya??? The apostrophe is to signify the missing letters in the word you. Grr I say... grr grr grr.

We humans (I was going to say Americans but then remembered some rather colorful slang used in Europe) love to take anatomical parts and make up many names for them. It has gotten to the point where Vagina, Breasts and Penis sound almost obscene and rather stupid because we are so used to using the naughtier terms. But I would like someone... anyone... other than a horny twenty year old male please... explain to me how a woman's breasts came to be called Hooters??? Personally, mine have never hooted. Nor have they howled, grunted, whined or laughed. They just lie there quietly saying nary a word.

Add to the collection of breast names Honkers (mine don't honk either... did I miss a gene when I was made perchance?), knockers (mine aren't tiny... I suppose if I swung them around enough, I could knock someone out), and Bazombas (I don't know what to say to THAT one... maybe mine bazomb and I just don't know it because I don't know what it means?? *Looks down at breasts in fear).

Then we have the names for the Penis some of which I can't even print here because of decency laws and my own predilection for blushing at simple Viagra commercials. Though in passing, I WILL mention that I seriously loathe Bob from the Viagra commercials... he and his wife scare the dickens out of me.

Dickens... hmmm; leads to one of those words. Dick *blushes*. Now how did a cute little things (ok ok quit glaring at me men... a manly LARGE thing! Sheesh!) like a Penis come to be called a Dick?? Did some man named Dick name his after himself (which leads to the question of why do men names their appendages? I just call my and the name stuck and now all men, whether named Frank, Stanley or Joe now have another name of Dick?

What of Pee-Pee and Wee-Wee. Isn't the latter rather offensive to men? Wouldn't they prefer we call it say.... a Huge-Huge? Also, does Pee-Pee signify that you are doing it twice?

Moving on... how did the act of relieving oneself come to be known as going Pee or Poop?? What person decided that the act which we all do or suffer dire consequences (especially after too many Spam Smoothies. Don't ask.) needed to have it's own little euphemism and how in the name of all that is holy did they end up with Pee and Poop???!!!

Then there is Tinkle (when I go, it doesn't Tinkle nor do any Angels get their wings from the act), Piss (huh??), numbers one and two (who decided which was number one??? Is this a weird chicken and egg thing here?) and Taking A Leak (if it's leaking you either need Penicillin or Depends)

I give up. I think I'm going to make up my own language....

By the way why DOES my nose run when it's cold and where did the word Boogers come from?

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