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Friday, April 24, 2009

Things Childhood taught Me

Alternately Titled
There IS a Boogey-Man Under The Bed

1)When your mother tries to feed you something she has nicknamed garbage soup, you're not going to like it.

2)Mud pies are not; I repeat are not edible no matter how pretty they look. For that matter, neither do butterflies taste like butter. They taste rather like dusty paper.

3)Never challenge yourself to see how much water you can drink. You can drink a lot and you will regret the knowledge.

4)Mothers of my moms generation learned to make oatmeal at the Acme Glue Factory.

5)No matter how hard you try, you can not catch fish from a rain puddle using a stick with thread tied to it. You can however catch a whipping when your mother realizes you used a whole spool of her thread in the attempt.

6)It is imperative to jump onto the bed quickly if the light is already off. Otherwise the boogeyman under the bed will grab your ankle and pull you under there and eat you. Also never let your foot or hand slide off of the bed. Just.Trust.Me.

7)If you sneak a bag of cookies to run away with, your mother will take the cookies but let you run away. Sneak carrots instead. She'll let you take those in the firm knowledge that she will get them back. Then you can dump them in someones trash can and feel vindicated.

8)If your older brother dares you to drink a 16 oz. bottle of pop in under a minute, don't do it. The after burps are killer.

9)You can suck jello through a straw if you try hard enough, but it hurts like heck if you laugh and make it come out your nose. Though it has its benefits if it was lime jello.

10)You can not hide garbage soup in your pants.

11)Nothing anyone can do can disguise the taste of liver. Not even liberal amounts of Ketchup work.

12)Black eyes look awesome when you're eight. Major status symbol and great way to get candy sympathy.

13)It is a moral imperative of kid-dom to never eat Corn Flakes without first putting so much sugar on it that you can spoon the wet masses out of the bowl after you eat the cereal.

14)Never believe anyone who tells you it ruins Christmas to sneak and know all your presents ahead of time. It was a blast. I preplanned my Christmas Vacation activities in November.

15)Bicycles do not fit through basement windows. The person riding it however can have enough momentum to go flying through said window.

16)The same bicycle also does not win against an oncoming police car. But policemen who feel guilty over ramming into 9 year old girls offer five dollar bills as hush money.

17)When you toss a prop Turkey off the stage in your fifth grade Thanksgiving play in a winning attempt to get a laugh, no one ever believes it was on purpose. I'm 44 and my family still thinks I just dropped that son of a bitch.

18)Last but not least, if you sit quietly on the bottom of the public pool, you can giggle over knowing who exactly it is that pees in the pool. This is especially fun when it's the popular kids.

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