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Friday, April 24, 2009

The Tale Of Nakkie-Man

In 1984, I was working at TJ Applebees in Houston. One night during happy hour, a rather large gentleman came in. He ordered a pitcher of our Happy hour Margaritas and a basket of 10 cent wings. He specified extra hot wings. In our restaurant, that was NOT smart because the line chef who made them had an evil sense of humor about his wings.

This man had a very ummm... healthy appetite. Four baskets of wings later (about 80 wings), he was on his third pitcher of margaritas and feeling no pain. Every minute or so, he would let out a huge belch and then giggle like a little girl, complete to covering his mouth with his hands and blushing. This activity coming from a man about 6'5" and maybe 300 pounds was comical as hell.

Fianlly he walked off towards the restroom and I used the chance to try to clean up the mess. There were chicken bones all over the floor, drawings of various obscenities on paper napkins, about 6 glasses on the table (he frequently requested a new glass and also very INfrequently allowed me to bus the table) and dirty napkins everywhere.

I went into the kitchen with my twelve foot high load of junk to get rid of it all. About three minutes later, another server came into the kitchen, laughing so hard she was practically turning blue.
"Janet... table 28... oh my god... get out here... oh SHIT... anyone have a camera... where the f**k did he leave his pants?!"

Somewhat leery but knowing that I had to go out there because our management had an in house policy of "your customer your mess," I walked out and stopped dead in my tracks as I got near table 28. My customer was naked... and eating wings. Well, he wasn't totally naked. He had had the foresight to leave on his tie to tuck his napkin into. But other than that and his shoes and socks, he was butt naked.

From right behind me, I heard the giggles of practically every member of the staff, down to the cooks. Mysteriously enough, the manager was absent. My mess huh? Gee... thanks.
Luckily, we weren't very busy that night, so I did my best to shut up the other staff and convinced them to go do what they were supposed to be doing. The giggles of course, kept going as they walked away as well as the comments of "Hey Jan... maybe he likes you and wanted to get to know you better" to "Damn Josh, what the hell did you put in those drinks!?"

I walked over to "nakkie man" and tried to talk without either sinking through the floor or bursting out laughing, both very distinct possibilities.
"ummm...sir... you're... where are your... I think you might wanna.. Sir... YOU'RE NAKED!"

"I know honey. I was BURPPPPPP oh my... so sorry... that was rude of me giggle from him... I was hot, so I just figured I'd sit here and watch the game on TV and eat my wings. Can I get another pitcher of Margaritas please?"

He was drunk right? He HAD to be drunk. Yet he was talking perfectly logically, no slurring.
"Sir... you can't be in here naked. I mean, the other customers... I mean sir your, at this I looked down and pointed and probably blushed redder than ever before or since ummm it's illegal. You have GOT to get your clothes back on sir or I'll have to ask you to leave."

Ask you to leave??!! WTF Janet? The dude is NAKED not being drunk and hitting on you! I gathered my thoughts together and vowed silently to kill my absent manager.
"Sir? I have to insist you get dressed!"

At that, he stood up. "What's wrong honey? You've never seen a naked man before? What's the problem? I was hot cause of those wings so I got comfortable."
At this, he grabbed himself and started shaking "it" in my direction. "It's just a dick honey. See? Harder shaking to where I was worried he would pull the damn thing off but as I said he was feeling no pain Just a dick. We all have 'em. Well, maybe not you but you got a cute ass and some nice tits. And I've got a DICKKKKKKKK"

Ok, I was done. I was totally and completely embarrassed and also laughing my ass off as Nakkie Man began to prance around his table, eating a wing with one hand and grabbing his penis with the other, chanting "I have a dick. I have a dick. She has nice tits but I have a dick!!" The restaurant was a madhouse of people leaving but mostly of.. I am not lying... people taking pictures and laughing.

I walked away and went to the phone and called the police and between laughs and stutters managed to explain that we needed some help because we had a crazed naked drunken man dancing around in house. After the dispatcher clarified between his own guffaws what I was saying, he sent out a car.

Nakkie man had sat back down. The bartender had brought him a pitcher of margaritas and Nakkie man was again happy, eating wings, mopping his face and drinking. About five minutes later, the police came in, guns drawn, expecting I don't know what.

We pointed out Nakkie Man. They walked over and quietly conversed with him, one of the cops waving his hand and obviously refusing Nakkie Mans offer of a drink. One of them went into the bathroom and retrieved the misplaced clothing, with the other leading Nakkie Man out by the arm as he kept saying "But I wasn't done yet. I still have some margaritas left and some wings. Hey, doesn't she have some great tits and what an ass huh? Can I get my wings?"

Nakkie Man was gone. Every customer in house at the time was offered a free meal voucher and their desserts from that night comped (hush money so to speak). The manager suddenly showed up gee imagine that and told me I had done good. How the hell would YOU know bozo? You hid.

Three days later the manager on duty came out to me as I was getting ready to start my shift and handed me an envelope, already opened but with contents reinserted. the envelope was adressed to "The Waitress on duty when there was trouble on October 23rd" (guessing at the date here; can't remember) It contained a short letter from Nakkie Mans wife, apologizing profusely for the nights incidents, explaining that Nakkie Man had various mental issues and with a hundred dollar bill enclosed "for your trouble"

I don't waitress anymore.


  1. Wow that's a great story, I'm still laughing! LOL At least he was nice about it. Also, 10 kids!?!?! You and Crusty must have your hands full.

    Kentucky Preppers Network

  2. I'm glad you enjoyed it Mathias. I still smile when I think about that. I'm old enough now that I no longer bluish over it lol

    And yep; ten. But it's between us to be honest. He had four when we met, I had five and now we have one together. We both obviously have the gene for insanity :-P

  3. OMG, that is one of the funniest things I've ever read! And, yes, you are a writer, congratulations.

  4. Thanks Craig. I'm glad you enjoyed it :-)