There Was A Time...

...when I wanted to be like you and the people you call friends. You were outspoken, you were snarky, you didn't take any crap from anyone. Being as shy as I am, I thought this was cool. I mistakenly thought that that sarcasm, that cockiness, the outward shows of arrogance and even anger translated to a certain level of intelligence and sophistication I didn't have. It's certainly how all of you thought of yourselves at any rate.

Time passed though as it is wont to do. With it I began to gain a small amount of the wisdom that comes from age and experience. I began to look at you and others like you from a different viewpoint.
You're scared all the time aren't you? You're scared of being disliked, you're scared of being liked, you're scared of seeming dumb, you're scared of using your intelligence for anything other than trying to belittle others; certainly not for any real cause. Because then you couldn't blame others for your failures could you?

You're scared of what you are, you're scared of what you aren't, but mostly you're scared and angry over what you'll never be. A decent human being. You truly don't know how to be one, do you? You try to act like it's how you want things to be in your life, but in reality, the words you say and the ones you don't say reveal so much more than you think.

Every nasty word you say to someone else to make yourself look more powerful, every dig at what you perceive to be their flaws, it's really a dig at your own flaws isn't it? The things you hate the most in us are the things you know you can never have; not in the long term anyway.

I'm shy, I'm soft hearted, I've been called too gentle. I do my best to help those around me even if they are strangers. I'm also smart and funny and have morals, values and principles that nobody can take from me. I won't bend them to fit in, I won't change them to make you like me and that annoys the crap out of you doesn't it? With me... with people like me, you just can't win, can you?

So you poke and prod and try to find the little thread of our personalities that you can pull on in the hopes of unraveling the whole thing don't you? But it doesn't work. Every time you pull a thread, we just sew it back up as we smile at you while you glare back and foam at the mouth and it makes us stronger at that spot. In the meantime, you're so busy poking and prodding at everyone else to find their weak spots, you don't even see yourself falling apart at the seams. You don't even notice that you are rotting from the insides out.

But it shows. While we find love and healthy companionship with people who care about us as much as we care about them, you find temporary solace in the company of people like yourself. But like any pack of dogs will do, sooner or later the most hungry of you start to gnaw at the psyches of the weakest of you, like a dog with a bone and eventually you turn on even each other, don't you? You have nothing to lose because there were never any real emotional ties were there?

I don't want to be like you anymore. Not even a little bit. Call me names, look for loose threads; enjoy yourselves. Know what i'll do in the meantime? I'll be happy. With my life,with my personality, with the very deepest parts of my soul. Because I like who I am. Can you say that about yourself or do you only look in the mirror to brush your hair because to do more gets you scared all over again?