How Do You Get That Lonely?

There is a song I know with that title. The chorus goes

"How do you get that lonely

How do you hurt that bad

To make you make the call

That having no life at all

Is better than the life that you have?

How do you feel so empty

You want to let it all go

How do you get that lonely

And nobody know?"

Really? It's not hard. We as grown ups are expected to be completely self sufficient, utterly strong and to never let anything, certainly not a romantic relationship gone south or personal pain, get us down. That just makes us weak right? Means we are fools who should have known better huh? Bullshit I tell you. Bullshit!

The loudest sound our souls make is the keening for love. We bury it with alcohol, with quick fixes in short lived relationships, with our jobs, our kids, our friends and our hobbies. For a while, the whimpering in our hearts go silent. We have quenched the fire in the belly of the beast.... for a little while. It never lasts for long though. The fire burns again. Our hearts feel the need to find a kindred spirit; one who can love us for all our finer qualities and in spite of all our flaws. The keening grows louder, the cycle starts over yet somehow...ultimately... we end up alone again. That's how we get "that lonely."

It's so easy to go from the joys of heaven where every sound, every touch and taste and smell are heightened by our own happiness into an ecstasy heretofore unknown to us.

Then.... the crash. Nothing tastes good anymore. Music, which had echoed our own hopes, now only speaks of our heartbreak. You just don't care anymore. You are ugly, stupid, useless, unlovable and undesirable, at least to anyone who is worth it; only Satan's Spawn could want someone like you right?

Getting past that feeling is the loneliest thing in the world. It doesn't matter how many well wishing friends you have. No amount of "you're better off without him/her" helps. You....don't....care. You just want it all back. If only I had done this... said that... maybe I shouldn't have emailed... maybe it was that last phone call. Did I smell funny... taste funny... is it my nose??? It's easy to get to the point where you just can't take the pain anymore. Then you decide to quit trying. That's how you get that lonely. You get impatient and convince yourself it will never get any better; that this feeling you have now is it for you. It's all you have and worse, all you're worth.

Ok.... NOW... this long entry aside that came from God knows where other than seeing the pain of someone I know, I will start writing the post about what happened to me. maybe on seeing it, this person can realize that what they are going through, hellish as it is, WILL pass. Not soon... I won't lie. But it will pass.